


teenagers scare the living shit out of me

by in_eff_a_bil_ity



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: A lot of weed, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, If You Squint - Freeform, Larry Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen) Is a Bad Parent, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Mood Swings, POV Connor, Self-Harm, Shouting matches between the murphys, Slow Burn, Temper Tantrums, Temporarily Unrequited Love, Treebros, Whats new?, a lot of swearing, always have been, connor destroys things when he's angry and it's a problem, connor doesn't know how to not get angry, connor is really angry all the time, connor is vaugely neurodivergent, connor punches things including himself thats the self harm, eventually, if its in the musical or book its probably in here, its connor centric so dark themes, just watch out, pls help him, so many mental tags, theyre all mentally ill?, third person but its like it's being commentated by connor kind of, this is multi chapter, wait
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-10
Updated: 2020-11-10
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:47:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27485995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/in_eff_a_bil_ity/pseuds/in_eff_a_bil_ity
Summary: i saw the basic plot of DEH and threw it in a half broken blender and this came out. what if some things were different? what if larry was just unredeemable through and through? what if evan had a thing for the other murphy? and what if we only saw everything through connors messed up point of view?title based off of Teenagers by My Chemical Romance
Relationships: Evan Hansen & Jared Kleinman, Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy
Comments: 1
Kudos: 13





	teenagers scare the living shit out of me

**Author's Note:**

> hello everyone!! this is my first fic!! i hope you guys enjoy this, and if you do, please leave kudos and comment! it helps motivate me to write more chapters for you guys!
> 
> make sure to read the tags for any triggers
> 
> enjoy!!

Connor rolled over in bed, covering his ears. “Connor, get up! Mom says breakfast is ready, you can’t be a dick on the first day!” Zoe yelled through the door, hitting it once before running downstairs. “What the fuck.” He murmured, running a hand down his face in an exhausted fashion. 

The first day, how fucking cool is that? He gets to go and get stared at the whole time, plus bonus features.

Connor sat up, throwing his legs around the side of his bed and starting to rummage around in his bedside drawer. No way he was going to school sober, no matter what his mom said about good first impressions and shit. 

\----

“Connor. Connor!” Larry yelled till he looked up. “Be grateful, eat what your mother made for you.” Connor just blinked at him, looking down at his own food again and pushing an egg with his fork. 

This week, the Murphy household was on a wonderful keto diet, which meant no snacks or anything ever. 

Connor never liked the diets they went on, Zoe was tolerant and Cynthia couldn’t settle on one for more than two weeks at a time. Larry just liked meat. 

Zoe leant down to look up at Connors face. “Jesus, are you fucking high again?” She said, in disbelief. “Zoe, language! Connor, you have to stop doing this, honey.” His mom finally said something for once. 

“He’s never gonna stop, weed is a gateway drug and when he's older he’ll be a meth addict.” Larry said, while on his fucking phone of all things. 

Connor clenched his fists, his whole body tensing up. “Look Cynthia, he’s already showing signs of aggression right now. Gateway drug, I'm telling you.” 

Connor could feel anger bubbling up from a mile away, it was inevitable. His whole head felt foggy and that just made everything so much more frustrating. The textures of his clothes felt too rough and the table felt gross and everything just felt disgusting, he couldn’t handle it. 

“You know what? Fuck you! Fuck you, Larry!” He yelled, snarling and getting up, pushing his seat in as harshly as he could, and grabbing his bag.

“Zoe, hurry up.” Shaking, he stomped out of the front door. He could still hear everything, so he stomped further over to Zoe's car, collapsing in the passenger's seat and punching his leg.

He was angry, so fucking angry. Larry had no right to say shit like that but every time they all sat down at the dining table he just.. Had to. Every time. Connor couldn't remember the last time he went upstairs and was happy for once. 

“Hey fuckwad, get your feet off my dashboard.” Zoe hopped in the car, and Connor rolled his eyes and put his feet down.

As she started up the car he put earbuds in, turning his own, better music up. All his sister played was indie stuff where the singers sounded constipated, he preferred listening to people who sounded like they had just gotten into a car crash.

Connor looked out the window dramatically and closed his eyes.

\---

And the next time he opened them, he was being shoved. “Wake up, oh my god.” 

Zoe was shaking him awake, immediately getting out as soon as he opened his eyes. “Get up or you’re gonna be late and I'm not vouching for you again.” Connor groaned, flipping her off and running a hand through his hair. 

Turning off his music, he reluctantly got out of the car. While looking around the school parking lot, he saw a lot of familiar faces. Like, hey, thats that one girl I fought behind the school last year. And hey, it's that weird geeky resident asshole kid with the glasses, his name started something with a J. And his buddy, who kind of dressed like a middle aged white guy.

Whenever anyone would look at him weird, Connor would bare his teeth like some sort of animal and they would immediately back off, it was pretty fool proof.

“Hey, Connor, loving the new hair length. Very school shooter chic.” 

He turned to look, and it was the fucking glasses kid and his friend, who of which was standing there stupidly. Connor glared, and would have punched the kid already if he had no self control. “I was kidding. It was a joke.” 

That was the most annoying shit he’s heard all year, and it set him off. “Yeah, no, it was funny. I’m laughing. Can’t you tell? Am I not laughing hard enough for you?” He said, nearing a shout towards the end of his sentence. All the kid did was chuckle nervously. “You’re such a freak.” Glasses left, and Connor was about to go beat his ass before he heard something.

The other kid laughed. Connor looked towards him, and all his anger was bubbling again. He was at his boiling point. “What are you laughing at?”

“What?”

“Stop fucking laughing at me.”

“I’m not.”

“You think i’m a freak?” 

“No. I don’t-”

“You’re the fucking freak!”

That was it. Connor pushed the other kid into the lockers, when he focused on something. A cast. He just pushed a kid with a cast, what the fuck? He looked around quickly before running off towards the bathrooms. Connor just pushed a kid with a cast, what kind of monster was he? 

He wanted to yell. Connor wanted to scream till his lungs hurt, but he was in school and school sucks and now Connor was locked in a bathroom stall, punching the walls till his skin broke and crying, like a loser. He kicked the toilet and the stall door, breaking the lock in the process. He went into all the stalls and ripped the toilet paper apart, throwing it everywere. He broke all the soap dispensers and turned on all the sinks all the way. Class had already started, so he left. Connor ran out of the school, and into an alleyway. He threw himself against a wall and fell to the ground, wrapping his arms around himself and yelling into his hoodie sleeves. 

Soon, everything was over and he was just laying there, feeling gross again and his knuckles stinging. Connor didn’t like the after effects.

\---

He didn’t go to one single class today, Connor just sat in that alleyway and smoked and cried and stuff. He was was back in the school now though, looking for that cast kid to.. Apologize.

Now that he was out of that big wave of anger, he realizes the kid might’ve actually not been laughing, so. He walked into the computer lab, grabbing a paper that was on the printer (It looked like it was that guys paper.) and looking around. Alas, there he was. Connor walked over, shifting back and forth on his heels for a second before speaking.

“So, what happened to your arm.” Connor blurted out. The other kid looked scared for a second, jumping back at his tone.

“Oh. I, um, I fell out of a tree, actually.” Polo kid said, looking pretty sad. He didn’t want to laugh, but Connor couldn't help it, The guy looked like a kicked puppy. “You fell out of a tree? That is the saddest fucking thing I've ever heard, Oh my God.”

“I know.” The cast kid tried to laugh along, but it sounded pretty awkward. Connor decided to change the subject. 

“No one’s signed your cast.” Maybe this would be one of those friendship moment things his mom talks about, huh? “No, I know.” Time for some brownie points.

“I’ll sign it.” This entire interaction was strange and choppy and tense, Connors tone didn’t help. “Oh… You don’t have to.” 

“Do you have a sharpie?” It sounded more like a statement than a question, he hadn’t had a friendly interaction in a long time and a part of Connor just wanted to get angry and get this over with but he was trying. Trying to be good for once. 

Polo guy nodded, pulling a sharpie out of his pocket and handing it to him. Connor grabbed his cast, roughly pulling it towards him. “Ow.” looking up apologetically, he then proceeded to scrawl his name out, taking up the whole front of the cast. It felt like ‘you’re my friend now and you can’t make fun of me because my name is on your cast’, whatever that was.

“Oh. Great. Thanks.” 

“Now we can pretend that we both have friends.”

Connor tapped his foot impatiently.

“Good point.” 

As soon as the other kid started to leave, he spoke up, chasing after him the slightest bit. 

“Is this yours? I found it on the printer. ‘Dear Evan Hansen.’ That’s your name, right?” He held out the paper. 

Evan(?) looked panicked as hell for a second, and Connor noticed how he wiped his palms on his pant knees. 

“Oh, that's just a stupid- it's a paper I had to write for a, um, for an assignment…”  
Just as Evan was about to grab it, Connor yanked his hand back and looked at it.

“Because there’s Connor- Is this about me??”  
In a flash, he got angry again. He heard Evan start sputtering. 

“You wrote this.. You wrote this so i could find it and freak out so you could tell everyone i w… was…” 

As soon as his voice raised, it got quieter. He was actually reading the whole thing now.

Connor felt breathless. This meant there was someone like him. Just even a little like him. What the fuck, oh my god. Not thinking about the fact that Evan wrote about him anymore.  
He looked back up at Evan, and down at the paper. Reaching into his pocket, Connor got a pen and wrote something on the bottom of the page before handing it back. “Hey, so, i gotta go, but.. You should text me sometime, Hansen.”

He just gave his number to a rando that's friends with glasses kid. What happened to his self preservation? Connors thoughts were going wild as he went back to Zoe’s car, silently getting in.  
This was so stupid, he felt giddy and scared and all at the same time. Before Zoe could say anything and ruin his good mood, he put his earbuds back in. Connor still faintly heard her questioning him, but she gave up after a minute.

It’s weird to say, but he just had a good day. At school. Not really involved with school, but it happened. Maybe there is a god after all, they just left Connor on read when he was 8 and developed anger issues.

—-

This time Connor hadn’t fallen asleep in the car, instead, he was up thinking about everything that had happened. Then, he thought about how he skipped all his classes today and was totally, utterly fucked. 

Before he knew it he was standing outside the front door, slowly turning the knob. The second Connor looked up he made eye contact with his dad, who was standing in the hallway with his arms crossed, obviously waiting for him. 

“Connor. On the first day of school? Really? And-“ Larry walked closer and sniffed the air around him. “You smoked.” 

Words couldn’t describe how much Connor hated Larry’s stupid lecturing voice, it always pissed him off. “It’s none of your fucking business.” He tried to push past, but his dad held him back.  
“You can’t keep acting like this! Like- Like a delinquent!”

Connor shoved Larry away from him. “You don’t control me! You don’t even fucking know me!” He stomped his foot while he shouted, having no disregard for the vase he heard fall.  
“You’re ruining the family image, Connor!” 

“Oh, the family image, is that all you care about? You and your fucking perfect little job and your perfect little family! Fuck you!” 

With that, the shouting match was over. Connor flipped him off and ran upstairs, ready to lock his door and- His door. Where’s his door? His door isn’t there. It’s just empty hinges in a door frame, and Connor hasn’t gotten this mad in a while. “You bitch!”

He ran back downstairs but couldn’t find Larry, so he threw things. Chairs, pillows, you name it. Everything was too loud and too there and he needed everything to go away right now. The last of his wrath was when he threw down one last plate. “Fuck!” He yelled, then storming out of the house. He slammed the door, tears streaming down his face and his whole body shaking.  
This was too much. 

They took his fucking door away so he snapped, he snapped for the second time today and brought destruction on everything he looked at.  
Connor was gritting his teeth so hard it hurt, and it felt like he wasn’t in his body. That wasn’t him, it didn’t feel like it. It felt like something just possessed him and right now is when it left.  
All at once, all of the anger came rushing out of his body. 

Connor collapsed on the sidewalk a good ways away from his house, crying silently and pounding his fist on the concrete. He couldn’t be seen like this, so he ran. He ran even further till his legs were on fire and he couldn’t feel anything anymore.

He slowed down, his legs were shaking violently but he wasn’t focusing on that anymore, he was finally here. 

The orchard. 

He stumbled over to the gate, weakly scaling over the fence and hopping down. “Fuck, fuck, oh my god.” Connors phone randomly buzzed.

-Maybe: Evan  
‘Hey this is Evan, is this Connor? From school?’

Hey, what a nice bright light in his shithole of a day. 

-connor  
‘yeah it’s connor what’s up’

Connor went ahead and set a contact name for Evan; it was pretty tasteful.

-tree man lol  
‘Oh, nothing. Just home alone. Like everyday.’

-connor  
‘do u know where autumn smiles apple orchard is  
’

-tree man lol  
‘It’s seven minutes away? Why???’  
‘Sorry I didn’t mean to put that many question marks that’s weird sorry’

-connor  
‘you say sorry a lot’

-tree man lol  
‘Sorry’

-connor  
‘anyway I’m at the orchard rn do u wanna hang’

-tree man lol  
‘Okay??? I’ll be there in a bit’  
‘Sorry I used question marks again’  
‘Sorry’  
‘Bye’

-connor  
‘see u there’

Hip hip hooray, look at that. If his mom probably wasn’t terrified of him right now, she’d be celebrating, he just asked someone to hang out.  
Even though that someone probably thought he was a serial killer, or something. Connor wobbled over to the nearest tree, collapsing under it and his entire body going limp. Being mentally ill really takes the energy out of you.

He shakily tied his hair up into a gross bun, examining his hands after. His knuckles were covered in old, dried blood and were stinging painfully. The rest of his hands were relatively fine, luckily. Connor sighed and let his head relax and lean against the tree. 

For a while, he just laid there, exhausted. He was pondering things like ‘should I go home tonight?’ and ‘I wonder if Evan is gonna ditch me.’  
That last thought was interrupted by someone yelling his name.

Evan was here. Connor stood up, hobbling over to the gate to go open it. “Sup.” “Oh, hey- Oh my god, what happened to your hands?” Evan rushed towards him as soon as the gate opened, eyes wide. 

“Do you- Do you need help? Because I carry around a first aid kit in my backpack you know, just in case- Sorry. But, uh, your hands might get infected if you don’t put anything over them. Not that you need to, i’m just saying, it’s probably best if y-” Connor decided to end this horrible rambling train. 

“I’m fine.” 

“Oh. Okay. Well.”

“Come on.” “Where are we going?” “The best part of the orchard, duh.”  
After about five minutes, they finally got to Connors favorite tree. It was a massive white oak tree with carvings near the trunk and up on higher branches. Like checkpoints, almost. A majority of the carvings were dates that must have been important to Connor, along with a name and a symbol under them. ‘June 14th miguel <3’ And ‘dec 4th 3rd atmp' Whatever that meant.  
“Wow, this is..” Evan started. “Disappointing? I know.”

No, I was, uh, I was gonna say it's really nice. Um… I like trees.”

Connor looked towards the other boy, raising an eyebrow. “Okay, well. Tell me about them.”

“About what?” 

“Tell me about trees, Evan.” It was simultaneously the weirdest and strangely intimate thing Connors ever said, it felt confusing.

“Um. Did you know that pine cones have genders? And-and trees are the longest living organisms on the planet, they can’t die of old age. So if one tree was consistently taken care of and in good conditions it-it could survive for millions of years, easy.” He stuttered, waiting for Connors nod of interest before continuing.

Evan continued to tell him more about nature while Connor watched on in amusement, laying down on the grass now. 

“Do you know how old the oldest tree is?”

“No, how old is it?” 

“5,068 years old. I-Isn’t that cool?” 

“Yeah. Fuckin’ trees.” 

They had a lot of back and forths like this, and slowly their conversations lost the tension they had in the computer lab.

“Oh, and- O-oh my god, I need to go.” Evan was about to continue, but he had checked his phone. He had two missed calls from his mom. 

“I’m sorry Connor, b-but i really need to-” 

“No, it’s whatever. Yeah. Fine.” Connor knew it wasn’t Evans' fault he had to go, but he was still upset about it and it showed.  
“Sorry. see you at school tomorrow?” Connor didn’t have time to reply, when he looked up Evan was already gone.

\---

Connor lazily lit a cigarette while he watched the sun go down with envy. He kind of wished he could vanish like that, too.


End file.
